My Contacts List, and a Ramble
Is littered with people I can no longer e-mail, or call. Friends and loved ones who have passed on. I should delete the, but doing so is like placing the memorial plaque on Ben’s grave. Even after almost thirteen years, I cannot.
I know what I want to say, and Gene loves it, but we can’t do it. It just hurts to think about it. Besides, they screwed up my mom’s stone, “The light of our life.” Should have read, “Lives.” I don’t want this company screwing up Ben’s too and they are really the only game in that tiny town.
I am about to have a birthday. Another year gone. It feels like I’m ticking down now, and not up. An urgency to get it all together and put something better out into the world. I can no longer say I’m in the middle. I’m over the hump now and its time to make my mark, or not. My children are not a testament to me. I believe they are their own life forces and we shape them as we can, but they remember the mistakes too. Vow to not repeat them and make a whole new set of mistakes. In correcting what I saw as failings on my parent’s part, I’ve really made a muck of some things. My children have fewer boundaries than I did, and yet more. They live a life filled with me trying not to screw it up and screwing it up in a different way.
Parents are not perfect. It’s easy to judge us. I just try like mad not to toss the stones, cause I have no business doing so.